Snowflakes…I’ve seen them on Television, but I’ve never had the opportunity to meet one in person. Maybe that’s because I’m unapproachable.
You see, when a snowflake gazes upon the thick beard, semi-muscular build, and two prosthetic legs they instantly begin to tremble with uncertainty and horror. To make matters worse, the snowflake is triggered beyond capacity when they see the American flag patch that is centered prominently on the front of my desert tan ballcap. These visual stimuli alone are enough to cause the metaphorical melting which can be observed as collapsing onto the floor into the fetal position where the offended then begin a series of events one can only describe as hysteria. Milder symptoms detected can be, but are not limited to; incessant screaming, crying or flailing about. And in the most extreme cases; thumb sucking, rocking, or head hitting.
This behavior often resembles seizures and can be treated quickly by slapping* the snowflake across the face in order to “re-center” the individual. Other symptoms can range from frantically opening apps in the cell phone to distract themselves from over stimulation, or braver snowflakes can sometimes resort to glaring to show their displeasure.
Whatever you encounter while wearing our shirt, we hope you’ll display it proudly and report any negative encounters you experience immediately to our website so that we can send you a free sticker!
*DISCLAIMER: We don’t actually encourage violence of any kind outside a wartime theatre of operation, so don’t slap people for a sticker! We won't give you a damn thing if you film yourself slapping someone.
For our take on a verbal slapdown however, see thoughts on Free Speech!